Thanks to our preoccupation with communicating electronically via screens, the skill of interacting with people face-to-face, in meetings or social situations, is something we don’t get to practise as often as we used to. For some, the thought of having to do ‘small talk’ with relative strangers, or even with friends and family, can be daunting. With the Christmas festivities approaching fast, the spectre of parties and get-togethers can loom large. And all through the year, despite remote working, it’s still sometimes necessary - and indeed desirable - to interact face-to-face with colleagues, suppliers and customers. In-person meetings provide so many important benefits but if we’re feeling awkward about talking face-to-face, they can seem more difficult than they need to be.
One of our utilities clients was telling me earlier this year how their agents need to visit customers door-to-door, to perform physical testing and domestic meter checks. Our client was seeking resources to train their people in ‘instant rapport building skills’. From a knock on the front door, to gaining entry and completing the test, a lot of skill is required involving trust, professionalism and charm. And that got me thinking about all the times we need to rely on our ability to build rapport with others. Even apparently gregarious extroverts sometimes get it wrong. And most people in my experience find themselves becoming tense and anxious just at the thought of having to use their interpersonal skills.
So here are some practical rapport-building tips to get you through this year’s festive events as well as your meetings in 2025.
Be REAL
Be REAL. By that I mean be your authentic self. You don’t have to pretend to be what you’re not. You don’t need to pretend you know something you don’t. There’s an attractive, reassuring quality about people who freely admit to being ignorant of something, as opposed to people having an answer for everything! Don’t say you’ve seen a film/read a book/been to a conference when you haven’t! It’s wrong to lie and you’re likely to be found out anyway – or spend the rest of the meeting worrying that you will. So just be honest. People appreciate honesty.
Being ‘REAL’ also helps you to remember my next four tips for when you meet someone, either in a social or work situation. These are:
Reveal
It’s a good idea to reveal something about yourself. If you tell me something about yourself, I’m much more likely to reciprocate. And that gets the conversation started. If it’s something personal to you that’s even better but of course it depends on who you’re talking with and the context. For example, I might say, ‘I’ve never been to this venue before, but I used to row just down the road from here’ (I’m an ex-rower, but you’ll have your own experiences to share!)
Another aspect of ‘Reveal’ is to show your vulnerability. This is a great way to start building rapport because others tend to warm towards you and share their concerns too. So, you might say, ‘I don’t know anyone else here and I’m feeling a bit nervous. Do you know anyone?’ and then either you’ll discover that they are feeling the same as you, or they’ll know others and can introduce you. If you’re at a conference, you might say, ‘I meant to read up on the speaker, but I didn’t have time - what do you know about them?’ And then again, you’ll either discover an ally in the same boat as you, or you’ll learn something about the speaker. Perceiving your vulnerability as a positive benefit rather than a weakness is a great mindset shifter.
Empathise
Empathy enables you to relate to other people. If you’re feeling anxious or awkward about starting a conversation, the chances are, the other person is too. They are probably thinking that they wish they could be more like you! Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about how the situation seems to them. If they look hot, can you suggest that you move outside? If they are struggling with a coat and drink, can you help them out? If they catch your eye and then look away embarrassed, how can you make them feel at ease? Sometimes it’s about anticipating someone’s needs; sometimes it’s about finding out that you have something in common; and sometimes it’s about saying how you imagine something must look like to them and getting them to clarify. For example, ‘I imagine you have seen rather a lot of these sales pitches before?’ And then they can agree, or not, and expand on their experience of sales pitches. If they are rather mono syllabic in their reply (and remember, they may just be shy and nervous, rather than unfriendly) you can ask questions to get them to elaborate. Which takes us to my next tip.
Ask questions
The best way to build rapport is to be curious about other people, to show an interest in them. That doesn’t mean prying or being nosey. It means asking questions to indicate that you’d like to know more about them. Queen Elizabeth II was said to ask questions such as, ‘Have you come far?’ and that’s a good opening question, requiring an answer (although it’s not actually an open question). If you can make the question relevant to the individual, picking up on something that relates to them specifically, and compliments them, that’s even better. For example, ‘I really like your dress/tie/jumper – where did you get it?’ Or in a work context, ‘I’ve heard that you’ve done some great work on the AI integration project – what was that like?’ Another idea is to use the phrase ‘Tell me about’ or ‘Tell me how’. Think of something you’d like to invite them to talk about and then begin with ‘Tell me…’ Not many people can resist that cue to speak. You can combine it with a compliment, for example saying something like, ‘The cake tastes delicious. Tell me, where did you get it/how did you make it?’ or, ‘I really liked your introduction to the workshop. Tell me, how did you get started in assertiveness training?’
Asking questions to build rapport shouldn’t feel like an interrogation. A question or two to get the conversation started is usually all that you need. But try to make them open questions that encourage more than a one- or two-word answer. A ‘Tell me about’ questions avoid awkward pauses and embarrassing staccato talk and encourages an exchange of information, thoughts and ideas.
Remember, the key to rapport building is to show interest in the other person - not to drone on about yourself and your own interests. You also need to be cognisant of the other person’s circumstances. If they’ve just received some bad news, or are about to give a speech, or are otherwise preoccupied, now is probably not the time to invite them to chat to you!
Another useful type of question is one that asks for help. People find it very difficult to refuse a request for assistance, and it can be a good way to break the ice and introduce yourself. Something like, ‘I seem to be struggling here, would you mind holding my glass for me, whilst I take my coat off? Hi, I’m Catherine by the way!’ That will get you started and get the introductions underway. In a work context, you might say something like, ‘I’m having difficulty interpreting the results from the meter testing. I can see you have downloaded them too - do you have a moment to discuss them with me, please? I’m Catherine by the way, I’m working on the beta testing project.’
Laugh together
Sharing fun times is a wonderful way to build rapport. Smiles and laughter are contagious and really lift everyone’s mood. That doesn’t mean you have to be a stand-up comedian or seek to find a joke in everything. I am not naturally a ‘funny’ person, but I do know that a shared smile or moment of jollity goes a long way in developing a warm connection.
A simple smile and a willingness to listen can sometimes be all it takes. And never underestimate the power of small acts of kindness that lead to the start of an interaction. Offering to help someone when you see they need it - holding a door open, bringing someone a cup of tea or giving encouragement - provides a shared moment which instantly creates the perfect scenario for rapport building. Paying for a complete stranger’s coffee, when they discover at the checkout that they’ve left their wallet at home, is an act of pure kindness. It makes the day brighter and instantly builds rapport between the giver and receiver.
Laughter is important but it’s the word together which is vital. Something you do ‘together’ is at the heart of rapport building. It can be extremely simple and practical, but it’s that shared connection which enables you to relate to one another in that moment. It creates a positive vibe and makes it so much easier to engage in conversation, and just be yourself.
So, this Christmas, as you mingle at social events, and next year as you network at work events, remember to be REAL. And enjoy yourself!
Catherine de Salvo
1 December 2024
You can contact Catherine at catherine@scottbradbury.co.uk or via LinkedIn
For a free trial of WATCH & GO® resources on communication skills and much more, please go to: https://www.scottbradbury.co.uk/free-trial/
Scott Bradbury WATCH & GO® resources that are relevant to this article:
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